


A Slip of the Penn

by partyclowns



Category: Penn & Teller RPF
Genre: Cheesy, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-04-11 12:53:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19110049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partyclowns/pseuds/partyclowns
Summary: badly written slash written for a bud!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pickle42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pickle42/gifts).



> badly written slash written for a bud!

Lying in bed on the opposite side of the room was Teller, his back propped up against the headboard and his chin on his chest. I couldn't help but chuckle at the sight. He looked like someone's grandpa that had fallen asleep while watching a baseball game.

I'd seen that for forty years and it never failed to make me smile. I guess because he looked innocent. He fell asleep first, always did, I guess out of habit as a teacher, ever since the beginning of our career. I'd find myself feeling alone with the tv down low as to not wake him. There were times when I couldn't resist glancing over at him, seeing how peaceful he looked.

In forty years of sleeping in the same room and looking at him sleep like an angel, he never woke up. I never expected him to. But tonight he did. He woke up to see me looking at him from across the dimly lit hotel room. I looked like a goddamned creep. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." I replied and turned my head back to the tv, pretending that had not happened. I never liked to show my embarrassment and I wouldn't give him the chance to see it.

"Do you stare at me like that every night?"

"I wasn't staring." I lied. Terribly and lying was my whole career.

"Maybe if you quit drinking shitty coffee after shows you would be able to sleep as well as me." he said smugly. He was right, but would that stop me? Absolutely not.

"Don't let this whole thing get to your head."

"What? Me finding out you like to watch me sleep like a fucking creep?"

"Fuck off." I threw a pillow at him and that earned a loud laugh. It died down after a few seconds and I turned back to the television, trying to decipher anything I'd missed from whatever the hell was on.

"Penn," I heard him say softly. This time he wasn't mocking me, or at least he pretended he wasn't. "Come here."

"What do you want?" I dragged myself out of bed to stand beside his. He sat up and patted the space next to him.

"I was kidding. You're not creepy."

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't be wrong."

"Watching someone sleep is comforting. I get that."

"But doing it every night you're with them?"

"Still comforting. Maybe it's a little creepy, but it's more sweet than that. You aren't a crazed stalker out to get me, so I'm not worried about it."

"How the hell do you manage to see the good in everything?" I chuckled, not really surprised by his reaction. He shrugged in response and looked at me with drooping eyelids. As I stared back I had a feeling in my stomach that I hadn't had since I first saw him.

Seventeen, shit at magic, and dumb. I watched him perform a trick, something he hadn't perfected yet, but that didn't matter. He was still young too. A young teacher not sure if that was what he really wanted to do for the rest of his life. Not only was I amazed by the trick, but I was amazed by him. How smart he sounded, how attractive and talented he was. It all got worse when I got to know him.

I brushed it off as adoration, maybe idolization. It couldn't be a crush. I loved girls. I loved women. And when we became friends I couldn't possibly have feelings for a man who was most certainly not interested. Especially not given the age difference. But deep down those feelings remained and I knew that, I just couldn't bring myself to admit them.

I still had the same schoolboy crush on him after forty years. I refused to acknowledge it until that night, sitting on his bed beside him and realizing how understanding he really was. Why that night of all nights? I had no idea, but for once I felt at peace with myself. I forgot every obstacle that prevented me from telling him and let it out.

"I'm in love with you." the only thing that prevented me from admitting this was the fact that I was married. He'd had one night stands, but never settled down. He never had any kids. He only had me.

"I know." words I didn't expect. I thought I'd done a good job hiding it all those years. Or maybe he was just being smug.

"Is that all you've got? I tell you how I feel and all you say is 'I know.'"

"What do you want me to say, Penn?" still calm unlike me. How could he stay like that?

"I just want to know if you feel the same way, or if you don't. I don't know. Say anything that doesn't make you sound like a smart-ass."

"I feel the same way." he didn't change his tone at all. He said it so matter-of-factly. He didn't take a minute to think about how he replied. He knew exactly what to say.

Telling a man you knew and idolized for so long that you were in love with him shouldn't be that easy. Or maybe it should. I had no fucking clue. This was different than picking up a chick and seeing where the relationship goes. When you see yourself as straight it fucks you up and you wonder if maybe this isn't real. It's just you admiring someone who helped shape your entire career.

When he kissed me I knew it was real. It was a lot gentler than I imagined it would be—not that I ever imagined kissing him. I didn't want it to end, but it had to. We were both exhausted, him more than me. I couldn't help but feel bad about him waking up. "Go to bed now." he gave a tired smile.

"Night, Teller." I did as he said and shut off the lights and the tv.

"Goodnight, Penn."

I didn't sleep that night, despite having an early flight the next morning. It was out of pure anxiety, really. How did I know that that wasn't just a sleepy Teller trying to get me to stop being obnoxious? Common sense told me that wasn't the case, but the (large) stupid part in me kept telling me that it was.

The flight back to Vegas would be hell.


	2. Two

All of the room in first class didn't seem like enough anymore. It was almost suffocating while I panicked. Two rows ahead sat the man I had just confessed my love to. A small part of me hoped he had been too tired to remember it, that it could be forgotten and hidden away forever.

Once the plane took off I put on my headphones and turned on some music. I decided to be a boring fuck and turned on some classical music of all genres. Anything to calm my nerves before I went back home to EZ and our kids—our beautiful kids. I began to calm down just at the thought of seeing them again. It wasn't like I'd been gone forever, but it was just long enough to make me homesick. I planned on locking myself in the house with them until we had another show and not going out for anyone or anything. Not even Teller. Especially not Teller. For the first time since we met, I could not wait to be away from him.

I woke up right before the plane landed. Just in time. I got enough sleep to get by for the rest of the day, or at least most of it. Emily would insist that I go to bed earlier or lie down for a nap, so it didn't matter. She always did that, taking care of and looking out for me despite everything. The traveling, being away from home all the time, and not only that, but she made it through fat Penn. I had no idea why she stuck around, but I was thankful.

"Before you go home, can we talk?" Teller said after we walked out of the airport.

"About what?"

My playing dumb didn't stop him from beginning to talk my ear off. Something he was good at despite how he behaved on stage. "This isn't something we should ignore and frankly, it's something we  _can't_  ignore. We need to clear the air, so things don't get messed up."

"I was hoping you wouldn't remember last night."

"Penn, I was half asleep—not dead. And besides, we kissed."

"I told you I was in love with you. That's the more important thing to take away here."

"I was getting to that." he shook his head and smiled at me. He was still so calm. "I'm going to assume that that wasn't your exhaustion talking and you were being serious."

"You'd be assuming right." I felt like a kid again. The whole exchange read like two teens in a movie confessing their crushes on each other and behaving awkwardly as a result.

"I love you, too. More than you know, Penn, but you've got a beautiful wife and two of the cutest kids with her. They love you and that trumps whatever this could be."

None of that could be taken lightly. I couldn't even force out a joke about it. Instead I just nodded to tell him I understood and began heading towards my car. I knew he was right. He always was. My family loved me too much and I loved them. I couldn't risk hurting them like that, even if protecting them cost me something special. Their happiness meant everything. It was more important than the possibility of a relationship. Who knew if it would even work out?

Being home did not make me feel any better. I still made sure to spend time with the kids and Emily, but after awhile I decided I'd go to bed and try to sleep off any sadness I felt. Even some regret. I regretted telling the truth because I feared it would ruin things between Teller and I. This was exactly why I never defined our partnership as anything other than that. We weren't friends, I told interviewers, I feared that would make it easier for us to have fights and disagree and break up like other famous duos did.

That explanation was worn out. People were sick of it. Sick of that and the excuse that we didn't want anyone to think we were together romantically. As I got older, I knew most sane people wouldn't think that. I was married and he was stuck in his own world, focused on his career and magic only. But now, I had a longing for more. Another kiss, maybe. I couldn't get the thought of his lips on mine out of my mind when Emily kissed me.

"Are you feeling okay?" Emily poked her head in the door.

"I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"Aw, my poor baby." she kissed my forehead.

"Show business will do that to ya." I shrugged it off. "I missed you."

"I missed you more. We didn't get to FaceTime as much as I wished."

"I'm already feeling like a terrible husband and father, don't make me feel worse."

"You aren't either of those things. I know you were busy and it is your job after all. You're doing all of that for us anyway. You're a perfect husband and a perfect father." I wondered if she would feel that way if I told her that I was in love with the man I worked with. The same man our kids called "uncle."

I opened my mouth to speak but she got up and left the room, closing the door gently to let me sleep. I could faintly hear her telling the kids to quiet down and their protests as they played a video game. Something I bought to annoy EZ since she thought I spoiled them too much. I always did that. I wanted the kids to know I would give them the world if I could.

Maybe I wasn't the worst father, but there was no doubt about me being a terrible husband. All of the evidence pointed towards that and sometimes, when we talked, I could tell she was unhappy. Our arguments, however small, always returned to the fact that it seemed magic was more important to me. She always apologized for that, but I realized there was truth to that.

Before I became Penn Jillette, father and husband, I was Penn of Penn & Teller. I was a magician before everything, even school came after my career. My life with Teller would always come first, no matter what. Nothing could change that. It had been that way for forty years and if I could help it, it'd be that way for forty more.

I always joked about wanting the show to go on until I died, saying I wanted to die on stage because that's the way I always saw myself going. I'd been working with Teller for my entire adult life, I couldn't imagine never not doing that. There was a level of truth to that joke as well. I just wanted to die doing what made me the happiest. Being with Teller and doing magic was just that.


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teller's POV now :0

After forty years I should've been used to the silence. Not only from myself, but from the house I lived in. There was no one else there, just me. Alone. And usually it didn't bother me, but after speaking with Penn, it did.

For so long I played it cool, pretended that I was okay with us just being friends, if even that. Now that everything was out in the open I felt awful. Maybe it wasn't meant to be this way. Maybe it would've been better if we both kept our mouths shut and never spoke about our true feelings for one another. If I said that to him he'd say it wasn't like me to say something like that and he'd be right. I always told him how I felt about something, but this time I couldn't hear it.

The problem was that I couldn't even blame it on him. I had to be the bigger person. I had to reject him. I told him I felt the same, but that we couldn't be together. For a good reason, I suppose, but even that didn't make me feel better about it. His kids and his wife would be happy, but where would that leave us? In an awkward position and in a friendship and partnership nearing its end.

_"Are you and Teller friends?" the interviewer asked._

_"Not at all. We keep things strictly professional. We don't like to risk these kinds of things. Like Lennon and McCartney did, Simon and Garfunkel, or basically every other famous duo out there. They tend to get angry, fight, and fall apart in front of everyone. So, no. We aren't."_

He never told the truth and always gave the same speech about famous duos that wound up in a messy breakup. Now I understood what he meant. I feared the (seemingly inevitable) end of whatever we had. I never had anyone before Penn that I could really rely on, not even Wier, and no one could replace what we have. We were completely lost without each other—him more than me, maybe. After all we had been working together his entire adult life.

Penn got lucky. When I was seventeen I didn't have anyone like me to look up to and I never had the courage to step outside my box to find someone to spend my life with. He did and from that he had a wife and two kids. I had nothing but Penn and our fans. I would never admit it to him, but I envied him. The fact that he never had to be lonely and the fact that he had everything I ever wanted. Then again, I loved magic and our work more than anything, so maybe this was best.

Sometimes, though, I wondered what it would've been like if I spoke up first. If I had spoken up in the eighties when we were rising to fame and told him how I felt. Would we still be in this position today? Would I have to envy him, or would I have him? I told myself that we never would've made it forty years if I told him then, I guess to make myself feel better, but the regret remained. Nothing would make it go away.

I unpacked my bags after a few days of procrastinating and finally let myself relax. I didn't need to be alert for any work because I had none to do. The phone didn't ring, no alarms went off, and things were quiet. That night I was able to go to bed and reread a play I'd read millions of times and not have to worry about Penn rolling his eyes and scoffing, calling me a "nerd." Something he always did, and it used to bother me, but as we became closer I realized he did it out of love.

For the first time the phone rang and I couldn't hold back a groan. I had finally settled down, but thankfully I wouldn't need to move. I had to thank all the young people who worked with me for helping me with the new technology, especially the cellphone, which was where the call came from. "I didn't expect a call from you." I said when I answered. I'd seen that Penn was the one calling from caller ID.

"I didn't interrupt you, did I?"

"Well, I was in for my millionth read of  _Macbeth_."

"Well, I'm glad I could interrupt your nerd shit with something of importance."

"What would that be? If it's about your future in the clown career, just know I don't have the credentials for all of that. I leave that to you and your clown college friends."

"Motherfucker." he laughed.

"Right back at you." I smirked. I wasn't too proud of the insult, but it got him. "So, what was it really?"

"EZ wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow night. Just us, no kids. They'll be at her mom's house for a few days to give us a little alone time if you catch my drift."

I chose to ignore that last comment and replied," If you want me to come, I'll be happy to."

"Of course I want you to come."

"Well, I wasn't sure how we were regarding this whole...us situation."

"We're fine, I'm fine, and I'm assuming you are too?"

"I am."

"Then there's nothing to worry about. Come over at about seven tomorrow."

"I'll be there."

"Alright, goodnight," and before I got a chance to say it back he hung up and left me with silence once again. I would've given anything to have a conversation with him about nothing, or about anything. But he had his family to look out for, after all. They were more important to him now.

I arrived at Penn's home the next evening with a bottle of wine, gifts for the kids to come home to, and some flowers for Emily. I figured it would be nice not to come empty-handed. The couple greeted me with smiles and hugs when I brought the gifts in. I knew then that the night would be fun. Penn would never let something that he believed was frivolous get in the way of our friendship and whatever romantic or platonic feelings we had for each other fell under that category.

"I know you two can't stay apart for too long." she squeezed my wrist. "Sometimes it's like you're more his wife than I am!"

"Funny. I feel that way too." I laughed and looked at Penn. He rolled his eyes in response, earning a giggle from his wife. I'd forgotten how much they complemented each other. I always did that as a way to make it seem like I was right for him. As the night went on I wasn't sure of the subject.

I helped Penn clear the table and we talked as we brought everything into the kitchen for Emily to take care of. "I think it's time for dessert." she said once we finished. "You boys were good, so you get first pick."

Another half hour of chit chat went on while we ate the brownies. That meant more time for me to envy Emily and what she had with Penn. I could've had that too if I hadn't denied him, but it was the right thing to do if it meant she wouldn't get hurt. I loved her dearly, but I wasn't sure about my decision anymore. I wondered if she would understand if I told her how I felt. I couldn't do that to Penn, though. I feared I'd be the end of their marriage or that he'd get upset with me, so I shut my mouth and slowly made my way out to my car with Penn at my side.

"Tonight was great." he patted my shoulder.

"To be honest, I'm not sure if I made the right choice coming."

"Why do you say that? You know you're always welcome here and we know you get lonely when you're home—"

"I love you too much, Penn. I'm jealous of her and what you two have and I regret putting my feelings aside, even if it was the right thing to do."

“We don’t have to pretend nothing happened if you don’t want to. I know I don’t want to.”

“But Emily, the kids—I can’t do that to them. I want to, but fuck, Penn...I have morals.”

“Forget them. Think about what you really want.” he placed a hand on my cheek and we were kissing again.

I chose to forget. I chose us, not them. The pit in my stomach grew, but I was too distracted by the man I loved kissing me to care, and afterwards I was far too giddy. I managed to keep myself distracted, letting myself go for the first time in my entire life. I felt like the wrong choice could be the right choice sometimes and this was one of those times.


	4. Four

Nothing else happened. We had no contact. Instead, we focused on our own, separate lives. He took care of his family while I took care of myself. That involves taking myself on vacation. It was a nice break, and gave me some time to think about the choices we've made.

I sat alone in a hotel room, scrolling through Twitter instead of watching whatever I put on the television. That was the point. I'd only turned that tv on so there could be background noise. It made me feel less lonely. I used social media to kill the boredom that came with traveling alone. It caught me on current events, showed me the stupid things the president said recently, and also gave me a chance to have a glimpse into Penn's life without actually speaking to him.

He retweeted a couple of things about himself and shared a few awkward selfies he'd taken with friends, but for the most part there was nothing about me or Penn & Teller. That didn't bother me. He always was the independent one though I happened to be the unmarried one, the one who lived alone.

The more I thought about him and the more I saw him in my feet the sadder I became. Why? I had no idea. Maybe it was the distance and the lack of understanding I had for our current situation. Neither of us had any idea where our relationship was headed. We were too damn old for all of this. An affair? A fling? I knew, no matter what we called it, we were too damn old to be keeping secrets and messing around like that. If we were going to be something more he needed to do something. To say something. We needed to be open and honest with each other, to ourselves, and the people who loved us.

Just as I was getting ready for bed my phone rang. I didn't check to see who it was, I put my glasses on the nightstand and answered. When I heard Penn's voice I held back any annoyance in my own. "I forgot about the time difference." he said.

"Is something wrong?"

"I haven't talked to you in awhile, that's all."

"Can we talk tomorrow? I'm exhausted."

"I wanted to hear your voice." he said.

"What?"

"I called because I wanted to hear your voice. I miss you, I guess. I always do when we're not together but I've never been able to tell you that until now."

"I miss you too, Penn."

"When are you coming back to Vegas?" he sounded like the younger version of himself then, asking me when I'd be around again to show him some more tricks. Never did he make it so personal, though. He made a point to mention that he didn't want to see me and that it was only for the magic. That was not the case anymore.

"I leave Saturday."

"Can we talk on Sunday? Not over the phone. I want to see you in person."

"Come over to my house then." I yawned, loudly on purpose so he got the hint.

"Okay...goodnight, Rudy." I smiled when I heard that nickname again. It only ever sounded right coming from him. I hung up the phone without saying another word after that and drifted off to sleep.

Sunday came and I lied there in bed that morning, staring up at the ceiling and wondering when Penn would be coming over. I couldn't drag myself out of bed to shower or put on clothing. I kept my pajamas on and walked to the kitchen, exhausted from the long flight home the previous day, and made myself some breakfast. I didn't get to eat it because then came the knocking on the door.

For the first fifteen minutes we made small talk. I asked about his wife and children, he asked about my trip, all the typical things, but we knew that wasn't what this visit was about. It was about us.  _What will become of Penn & Teller? Have they finally given in and ruined up their relationship like or every other famous duo? _I couldn't help but chuckle at the sound of those thoughts. They sounded exactly like the cover of a tabloid in a grocery store. I am m guilty of looking at them out of curiosity, and also for a quick laugh.

"We should talk about  _us_."

"Do you want me to start?" I furrowed my brows. He just stared at me blankly, so I took that as a yes. "If we are going to do anything about our feelings you need to be honest with yourself. Although I'm not interested in being your mistress, I know that Emily and the kids are important to you, so I guess that is exactly how it's going to be—right?"

"Right."

"Then you need to tell me if you're serious. I love you, Penn, but do you love me enough to risk everything like that?"

"I do." I pressed my lips to his and could feel all the stress melting away from him as he wrapped his arms around me. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be with him like that. It had only happened once before, after all.

I couldn't sleep that night. Penn had fallen asleep hours earlier, but I lied there awake. I turned my head to catch a glimpse of him, made possible by the lights shining through my window. We were pressed tightly against one another. My bed wasn't really made for a six-foot seven man so he took up most of the space. It was uncomfortable, too warm, maybe because I wasn't used to it yet. I couldn't wait for the day that I was. Truly, though, the lack of comfort I felt was worth it. I loved Penn, I loved being near Penn, and I wanted nothing more than to wake up with him in my bed.

I'd never really had that. I had a few relationships. They weren't anything like what Penn and I had. All of the one-night stands were different. They left afterwards or fell asleep facing the opposite direction. No contact, no cuddling, no romance. Penn, on the other hand, woke up next to someone every day when he was home. He had plenty of good relationships throughout his life too. He never really understood what it was like to be lonely.

After a few more failed attempts of sleeping I slid from the bed and stretched. I tried to be quiet and very careful of not waking him, but I failed at that as well. "Teller?" he grumbled.

"I can't sleep. I'm just going to go watch tv." I explained. He had already fallen back asleep by then. I shut the door and walked to the living room. Before I knew it my eyelids were growing heavy and I couldn't finish whatever I found on the television. I could still hear the voices of the actors on it as I drifted off to sleep.

 


End file.
